Monday, March 28, 2011


I'm feeling so lost.  I just started this new job, this job I drooled over for months.  I hate it.  The job itself isn't too bad.  It's actually exactly what I thought I wanted to do.  I'm creating content to publish on a website, I'm researching in order to create said content, I'm organizing and repurposing my boss's content, and in the mean time I'm also taking some organizational and clerical duties from the office manager.

I've gone to work 3 times so far.  I've cried at least 3 times.  I go back and forth from feeling like I'm just a whiny pansy and I need to suck it up to the fact that I don't care and I'm unhappy at this place.  I should feel lucky to have a job in this shitty economy.  The people are nice enough, the work is perfect for my major, etc etc.  All I can think is that a serving or barista position sounds pretty damn good right now.  Or, god forbid the girl I blogged about here finds out, a receptionist position that doesn't require too much of me.

There are scheduling issues that are really upsetting me right now.  Chris is leaving for the summer, for three long months, and this job has me working Mondays and Fridays.  I told them I needed two Fridays off coming up (one for David Sedaris planned since Christmas, one for graduation) and was met with incredulity.  So, the long weekend I had planned to take to see Chris this summer is probably a no-go.  How will I be able to see my husband at all this summer if my job shits on me when I'd like to switch my hours around?  This has to be because I'm used to the flexibility of the service industry.  Get your shift covered and you're golden.  Now, "you said you want to work Fridays, I don't care if you're graduating from college, you're working Fridays."

So, maybe that's not exactly how it went, but that's how it felt.  What I'd really like to do is quit...ASAP. Like, send them an e-mail RIGHT NOW saying "Thanks, but no thanks," then enjoy the rest of the night before I start worrying about how to pay the bills.  I've done this before, but I'm going to be 27 in June, a college graduate, and I can't keep treating jobs like disposable objects.  I can see the immaturity and fault in my feelings, but that doesn't help me change them.

Ideally, I'd like to have a full time job by mid-summer so that Chris doesn't have to work for his last year of school.  Also, my school loans will be due come January, and that's pretty fucking scary, so I'm thinking a decent income is definitely a good idea.  But, what the fuck do I do when I'm unhappy at so many different jobs?  Suck it up?  Is that what other people do?  Is it possible to find a job you're happy in?  Maybe I take cuts in pay in order to get more flexibility in scheduling.  Maybe I just try to realize that I'm the common denominator in this equation and the jobs aren't the's me.

Chris knows that eventually I'd like to not work.  This is whether we have children or not (though we're planning on having a giant amount of kids).  I'd rather write, read, cook, clean (ok, not really, but it's part of it if I get to do the other things), and be available for family when needed.  Maybe it's just time I let go of that for now and stop crying.  I don't know.  I'm hoping the situation will be looking up soon.  Also, I fucking hate complaining like this when I know so many horrible things are happening all over the world.  But, I can't get over it, no matter how slight it is in comparison to others' hurt.  I feel myself slipping into a rut that I'm afraid of slipping into... a rut where I come home every day and never leave work at work, never stop venting about co-workers or my job, and start to dread Monday on Saturday morning.

Please tell me that you, whoever you are, have a career that makes you happy.